But here it goes! I have hesitated to write this for many reasons, mostly because I don't want my words to deter anyone from saving Preston. This is about him! I want him to have a family to love him! Yes, I want it to be us! (You cant see my tears but they are streaming down my face). But it is not us .. for now! I have to add that "for now" in there so I don't completely lose my mind. I have to say that if a family steps up for Preston, I will support you and your adoption 150% and I will fundraise and do whatever I can! I promise! You have my word!
I put on a good game face each day (I think)?! Maybe people can see the pain in my eyes and my heart... I really don't know! I feel it but I know that I need to figure out a way to accept what has happened and be happy! There is maybe 7 minutes out of each day that I get lost in something and I forget and JOY, I remember how it felt to enjoy life!! This is a VERY hard thing to admit.. To myself and to you! I KNOW I have TONS to be happy about . I really do! But for 23 hours, 53 minutes a day, the feeling of failure looms!
I fight this battle daily. I am trying to figure this all out!
I realized something in all of this ... I think the adoption of Preston failed because I didn't hand it all over to God. I had to have the control. Paul and I had to hand it over to God. We had to trust that he would take care of all of us! I am working on my relationship with God. I am working on a true faith His will. It is hard sometimes! I am human and I want an answer as to why we are here, 2 boys not found, and me feeling like I went backwards! I am working on accepting God's plan .. Which apparently this is! I wont lie, I have prayed to God to make this possible, but instead I need to ask God to help me with HIS plan!
Attempt 2:
So, I put this in drafts and thought I would wait for another day to say what I feel. Let me explain it this way. Everything makes me think of Preston (Max too)... It just doesn't matter! I spent a year of my life completely dedicated ... I went outside to enjoy this beautiful weather and day ... and though it is just wonderful to see Harley WALKING ( this will be fun summer for him) around and playing .. And the kids playing so nice with the boy from across the street, I couldn't help but think, Preston would be here now.. He should be here now. I immediately get angry and I just feel so lost! I just cant explain this to anyone ... I cant get from A to B .. I can't get past this ...
This is my blog and this is what I want to post. I want everyone to understand this whole adoption was real to me! I WANTED it to happen. I unfortunately have little control right now as to my life circumstances! It makes me feel like a complete failure and therefore, it makes my days very hard!
There are some people who I don't talk to anymore (???).. not sure if its that I disappointed them, if they blame me.. not sure! There are some people who never have mentioned it to me again .. There are some people who just plain don' t care! Well, honestly, you can sit there and judge me but you have no idea the pain I feel in my heart on a daily basis.... you dont know me... you dont get it and you never will!
I have in my heart dreamed up every way to change what has happened! I wake up in the morning.. my drive to work .. my day.. my night.. I think about it... Preston matters to ME! He is a little boy that desperately needs a family! He will be locked away in some institution for the rest of his life is someone doesn't save him. Imagine the guilt ... the sickness just from knowing this ... Imagine knowing that no matter what you do, it cant be different .. atleast now.
I am not writing this blog because I want sympathy! Really I am not! I just need to let this out. I share Preston's page almost daily on Facebook .. I pray for him .. I give up stuff so I can keep donating to his grant .. but NONE of it seems like it is enough ...
I failed...
I need to fix my broken heart before it breaks me....
I look at my kids and I love them so much ... maybe, just maybe this is why this is so hard .. I love Preston as well.
I just felt like I needed to explain this all to you ... I want you all to understand ...
I put on a good game face each day (I think)?! Maybe people can see the pain in my eyes and my heart... I really don't know! I feel it but I know that I need to figure out a way to accept what has happened and be happy! There is maybe 7 minutes out of each day that I get lost in something and I forget and JOY, I remember how it felt to enjoy life!! This is a VERY hard thing to admit.. To myself and to you! I KNOW I have TONS to be happy about . I really do! But for 23 hours, 53 minutes a day, the feeling of failure looms!
I fight this battle daily. I am trying to figure this all out!
I realized something in all of this ... I think the adoption of Preston failed because I didn't hand it all over to God. I had to have the control. Paul and I had to hand it over to God. We had to trust that he would take care of all of us! I am working on my relationship with God. I am working on a true faith His will. It is hard sometimes! I am human and I want an answer as to why we are here, 2 boys not found, and me feeling like I went backwards! I am working on accepting God's plan .. Which apparently this is! I wont lie, I have prayed to God to make this possible, but instead I need to ask God to help me with HIS plan!
Attempt 2:
So, I put this in drafts and thought I would wait for another day to say what I feel. Let me explain it this way. Everything makes me think of Preston (Max too)... It just doesn't matter! I spent a year of my life completely dedicated ... I went outside to enjoy this beautiful weather and day ... and though it is just wonderful to see Harley WALKING ( this will be fun summer for him) around and playing .. And the kids playing so nice with the boy from across the street, I couldn't help but think, Preston would be here now.. He should be here now. I immediately get angry and I just feel so lost! I just cant explain this to anyone ... I cant get from A to B .. I can't get past this ...
This is my blog and this is what I want to post. I want everyone to understand this whole adoption was real to me! I WANTED it to happen. I unfortunately have little control right now as to my life circumstances! It makes me feel like a complete failure and therefore, it makes my days very hard!
There are some people who I don't talk to anymore (???).. not sure if its that I disappointed them, if they blame me.. not sure! There are some people who never have mentioned it to me again .. There are some people who just plain don' t care! Well, honestly, you can sit there and judge me but you have no idea the pain I feel in my heart on a daily basis.... you dont know me... you dont get it and you never will!
I have in my heart dreamed up every way to change what has happened! I wake up in the morning.. my drive to work .. my day.. my night.. I think about it... Preston matters to ME! He is a little boy that desperately needs a family! He will be locked away in some institution for the rest of his life is someone doesn't save him. Imagine the guilt ... the sickness just from knowing this ... Imagine knowing that no matter what you do, it cant be different .. atleast now.
I am not writing this blog because I want sympathy! Really I am not! I just need to let this out. I share Preston's page almost daily on Facebook .. I pray for him .. I give up stuff so I can keep donating to his grant .. but NONE of it seems like it is enough ...
I failed...
I need to fix my broken heart before it breaks me....
I look at my kids and I love them so much ... maybe, just maybe this is why this is so hard .. I love Preston as well.
I just felt like I needed to explain this all to you ... I want you all to understand ...
If it means something to you ...
Please say a prayer that he finds a family ... soon! If you are able, make a donation to his grant. Sometimes money is the major factor for people when deciding on adopting. And share his page on facebook. Click on his picture to go to his page on Reece's Rainbow.
Thanks for listening.
Debbie
Please say a prayer that he finds a family ... soon! If you are able, make a donation to his grant. Sometimes money is the major factor for people when deciding on adopting. And share his page on facebook. Click on his picture to go to his page on Reece's Rainbow.
Thanks for listening.
Debbie
