I failed.  It is just that plain and simple   I am not looking for sympathy. I am simply sharing inside my heart with those of you who care enough to read this.  

I have written this post in my head too many times but the pain with typing the words, I just seem to leave it all in my head.   and where do I start?  (deep breath)  Do I start a year ago when I found Reeces Rainbow or do I start today, explaining to you how it feels to lose not one but two boys in a year!  

I will say this.  It will never be ok with me. It will NEVER be ok that we did not go and adopt Preston. It all started a year ago with Max.  In my dreams and visions, Max lived here.  I had his clothes ready, his bed, his life..... that was taken.   The difference though is I was not in control of that .... Preston, I had to make the choice to not proceed.  

Why?  Well, everything and nothing.  Weird answer I know but you see, for me to explain all my reasons (in my head) seem so petty and not good enough to really explain .. but please know that living in everyday life, I decided I had to make this decision.

A year ago we found Max on Reeces Rainbow.  And before I go any further i want to SHOUT out, Thank you Andrea for starting Reece's Rainbow!!  You have opened my eyes and so many eyes... Thank you.  Take a moment to go and visit the website:

http://www.reecesrainbow.org

We wanted to help so we choose Max as our child to be his Christmas Warrior.  Its funny and weird how you grow to love a child that you never met, that you only see this one picture over and over and suddenly you realize, I love this kid!
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Max's family decided that they wanted him and his parents signed the paperwork and took him home.
I pray it is as I say .. a happy fairy tale ending!  I can't think otherwise ...  I will never know!  Max was ours for a short time and he is loved!  It hurts to type this and I am not sure how much I actually dealt with the pain.. I have no choice now but to do so!

My fb friends know my love for Preston.  I advocated for him almost daily and would look at his picture and would break down in tears.  I always said if we could bring home 2, it would of been Max and Preston!

So, when Max was gone, the choice to bring Preston home was obvious to many!  

If I may back up ....  Support from people during an adoption is IMPORTANT!  For those of you who did support us, THANK YOU!  I have some feelings I need to deal with concerning this issue but it will all be ok... enough said!  But if you know of anyone who is putting their faith in God to adopt, I ask you to SUPPORT.

Life is hard.   and if you aren't careful, things can get crazy and unorganized and not where you want them to be!  You do start to wonder.. how will I be able to do this?  We are a loving family.. not perfect but loving.  And if Preston would have made it to our family, he would have been loved.  No if an's or buts about it!!  I am 100% confident of that!  I am the proud mother of 4 wonderful children! My children are still very young, ages 2-10.  Our youngest Harley has Down syndrome!  What does that mean.. well, nothing really as far as who he is! We love him to the moon and back and wouldnt change him for all the rice in China!  But it does mean that he needs more .. .. but you know what, all my kids need more!  I always prided myself on being a great Mom.. a super Mom, but I felt this all fading... was I the Mom I prided myself on being?  I was a walking stress pit! I am a working Mom who wakes up at 4:30am and goes all day and crashes at bedtime!   Many worry about me.. my health, my well being... how would I be able to do all of this and still be OK?

If you have guessed already, I am not going to get in the specific reasons why Paul and I had to step back and re think our decision.  It was just something that we had to do for us, for our family ...  

Did we break under pressure? Maybe! 
Did we make the biggest mistake of our life? Maybe!

I sit and ask myself why God had me go on this journey?  Why did I dedicate my life to this .. and sacrifice so much of me to end up here!!  I am not in a good place.  I admit it.  I am devastated.  

I love my Preston...  I need to find him a family.  My efforts and my sacrifice and my hardships will NOT be in vain.  He has a HUGE grant and I will continue to add to it and once his family finds him, I promise to help them as well! 

http://reecesrainbow.org/4127/preston-2h


Well, I have to end here.  I emotionally cannot go any further....

Please share Preston's page for me... 

Love,
Debbie

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Preston
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Baby Preston
10/23/2011 04:04:03

Praying for you. I admire you. Hold your head up. You serve a loving God who is holding that precious boy in His arms. He is holding you too.

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B
1/10/2012 19:02:21

You must find peace in your strengths and abilities. Hopefully you have more now and thanks for sharing such an honest heart-felt post.

Sometimes our radar gets crossed and we think our path is different than it truly is intended to be.

Reply
B
1/10/2012 19:07:21

The child's birth family taking him home is an amazing, incredible message from above to you. Your role as an advocate IS PHENOMENAL and proof is in that result alone. Keep at this role and expand any other roles as you see fit with no hesitation. Someone is guiding you and helping you decide, sometimes against your own better judgement. Many families and parents face these same paths with less courage and don't travel as far as you have, don't regret your faith and love and HOPE. You can, will and ARE DOING it. Except when you don't and sometimes you won't and that's okay too.

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    My Children
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    My husband Paul
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    Me

    Author

    I am the Mother of 4 wonderful children.  My youngest son was born with Down syndrome and he opened my eyes to a whole new world.  I have been lead to advocate for orphans with special needs all over the world.  I would love to adopt  but until then, I will shout for these children as loud as I can!  Click here for more information:
    www.reecesrainbow.org

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    Preston - he was almost mine. We were unable to proceed with his adoption. Because he is located in a country that has banned US adoptions, Preston waits. Please pray for his health and happiness. Pray for hearts to change and the ban be lifted.
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    We will always love you Max and never forget you!